Women and girls make up just a tenth of murder victims worldwide, but they are more than half of those killed by a significant other or family member, according to the latest report from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime.
In 2020, 47,000 women and girls were killed in this way worldwide, meaning that every 11 minutes a woman is murdered by a so-called loved one or relative, the UN investigation showed. In the United States, of the 2,059 women killed by men in the same year, 89% knew their attackers, according to a study published by the Violence Policy Center.
Most of these victims found themselves at the wrong end of a gun, but some of the killers resorted to other methods to unleash their anger – and it happened again in a horrifying and heartbreaking way in a suburb of Chicago last week.
Three generations of women and girls — Lilia, Vera, Vivian, and Amilia Kisliak — became part of that tragic statistic when they were found stabbed to death in their Buffalo Grove home.
Andrei Kisliak fatally injured his mother, estranged wife and two daughters, aged 6 and 4, police said. The 39-year-old man who allegedly threatened and molested Vera Kisliak for months then committed suicide, according to Sun-Times reporters Tom Schuba and Andy Grimm.
The potential for such tragedies appears to be increasing: According to a 2022 report by The Network, calls to Illinois’ domestic violence hotline increased by 9% in 2021 compared to 2020, and the number of domestic violence-related shootings increased 64% in Chicago in 2021, a domestic violence prevention research and advocacy organization.
“Enormous pressure” on victims
It’s hard for many people to understand why Vera Kisliak agreed to let Andrei Kisliak back into her home, despite a judge’s warning earlier last month, especially since he reportedly said he would “cut off her head,” disfiguring her and subsequently killing her family abroad The couple’s divorce proceedings began in July.
Why would Vera Kisliak, 36, welcome back a man she also said abused drugs, brought prostitutes into the family home and violated a protective order?
But as Stephanie Love-Patterson, executive director of Humboldt Park-based Connections for Abused Women and their Children, said, in many such cases there is “tremendous pressure from those doing harm” to have restraining orders reversed.
Again and again, domestic violence survivors show up in court alongside their attackers, asking a judge to lift restraining orders. The perpetrator may hug the survivor on a court bench. You can smile, whisper in the ears of the injured party. But they can either lovingly profess a genuine attempt to change — or threaten to hurt or kill the survivor, his or her children, and others if the restraining order isn’t lifted, Love-Patterson said.
The Kisliak family’s murder-suicide is a reminder that domestic violence remains a menacing plague in our society and that survivors and victims should never be blamed.
Survivors who appear to be handing an olive branch to a perpetrator need to be supported, not shunned or shamed. Your move may seem illogical, but in reality it could be a desperate attempt at self-preservation.
Limits of what judges can do
A judge may advise against changing a protective order, as Lake County Judge Marnie Slavin did with the Kisliaks on Nov. 1. And technically they can maintain a protective order even if there’s an appeal to do something else. But judges know all too well that denying the motions allows perpetrators to direct their anger at the court toward the survivors, said Danielle Parisi Ruffatto, executive director of Ascend Justice’s family law and protective orders division.
Professionals never shame or blame survivors for lifting a protective order, Love-Patterson and Parisi Ruffatto said. However, they can voice their concerns, design a safety plan with their customers, and reassure them that help is around the corner if they need it.
Friends and family of survivors can also do their part by pointing out available resources, such as hotlines and counselors, and by keeping small amounts of money and important documents, such as passports, if an abused loved one decides to flee their situation, Parisi Ruffatto said. Supporters can also help survivors develop a safety plan and a shared codeword if problems arise, Love-Patterson said.
A friend of Vera Kisliak’s told The Sun-Times she wished she “could have done more than she needed most”.
Friends and acquaintances of other victims of domestic violence can do their part by seeking professional advice, being alert to those at risk of violence and offering help at the first sign of trouble.
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